just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
