cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
