I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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