she woke up with a sticky ear
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
