I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
