Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
