I look better un-naked...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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