You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize