she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
