Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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