The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize