I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
