Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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