i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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