Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
