Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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