I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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