We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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