those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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