Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I need water and some morals
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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