i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize