He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize