New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
