I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
