She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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