allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
