dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
nutella sex= disaster
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize