Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
