I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
