If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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