So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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