I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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