I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
