I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
