my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
