I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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