this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
