Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
