Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
