Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You have to summon your inner elephant
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
