I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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