i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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