so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize