did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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