Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think I am morally bankrupt
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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