Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
