People in love make me want to vomit
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
