She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
