obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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