In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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