and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I touched a dick in church today
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
