i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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