sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
