I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
