I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Welp...herpes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
