i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
