you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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