we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
