she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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