So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think thatβs a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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