I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize